Depression = The Devil?

"Depression lies to you. It tells you all your pain is your fault. That the things that aren't getting done are because you're lazy. That the fact that you're hurting is a sign that you're weak. That you don't deserve help. That if you were a worthwhile person you'd just be able to snap out of it. IT IS ALL LIES."

Now, I'm no Bible-believer, but ever since I came across the above quote I've been thinking about the characterization of Satan as the Master of Lies. Substitute "the Devil" for "depression", and it still makes sense. Even though I don't have any literal belief in either demons or angels, I'm finding it useful to think of my depression as a demonic force that has taken possession of me, if not an actual, personified demon.

I've spent the past year believing every one of those lies, plus plenty of other, more specific ones. It took my therapist telling me that she thinks it's time for a psychiatric consult, to get a good accurate diagnosis and appropriate medication, for me to FINALLY see that it's all lies. I'm not weak, I'm not lazy, I'm not pathetic; I'm in trouble, I'm unwell, and I deserve help. I deserve to want to live. I deserve to make plans for the future, and my mate deserves that from me. I deserve to be supported and cared for while I'm getting better.

Too many repetitions; that word "deserve" has started to look like nonsense... How ironic.

My purpose with this blog is to serve as a sort of journal for my therapy and my adventures with County Mental Health - right now it's looking like that's where I'll have to start for the psych consult and medication, as I am without medical insurance or income. Yay for being a statistic! I've also been intending to start a narrative about my life history; the original goal was to share selections from that with my father. I'll still probably do that, but the larger goal now is to look for patterns and cycles in my history with depression and anxiety. At this point I'm much more interested in finding insight for myself; if I'm able to share some with BioDad, great... But it's not FOR him.

Frankly, he hasn't earned it (speaking of "deserve" looking like a nonsense word!). I have no expectation any more that he'll actually take in the most important aspects of it, but I do have reason to believe that "in writing" is the ONLY chance that he will take in any of it. Years of my experience, and others', demonstrate that the man simply doesn't have it in him to listen effectively. Which is fine, because presenting things in writing gives me much more control than trying to have a conversation with him.

I'm not here to require brilliant writing of myself; I'm here to store raw material for subsequent refinement. So, I'm endeavoring not to care if this is a little disjointed. For now I will close with a quote from Shawn Colvin's song "I Want It Back", the source of my title:

I lost the thread, I lost the map
It's not a feeling, it's a fact
I had it once, I was on track
Why won't it stay? I want it back